A major update to the Circling Guide is available.  This might be the first “stable version” of the guide.  Changes include:

• Positioning Circling more as a presence practice and less as a relationship model
• A new distinction and instructions for Guerilla Circling, which is the practice circling outside of formal groups and with no a-prior shared context, from a simple assumption that people are going to share in the human desire to love and be loved, to be cared for and acknowledged for their contributions
• Emphasizing the importance of staying true to yourself in connection with others
• Updates to all other sections specifically the Advanced Practices and Complementary Modalities which includes descriptions of Surrendered Leadership, the Avalon Community, Business Circling (Decker’s C1 course), Network for a New Culture, NVC, and other highly complementary modalities
• Updates to the Resources section and Next Steps

Deep appreciations to people who have helped out with this, especially Daniel Tenner and Shirley Norwood.  I would like to think that this is currently the most comprehensive guide to Circling on the web. And it’s free.

If you have an inspiring story about your journey through Circling which you would like to contribute, or other feedback (positive or negative) just reply to this email. And if you have circling or A/R related events to publicize, let me know and I will send out an email!

Finally, I am actively working to bring circling into the world in every possible context. This is my life mission. My latest project has to do with Mental health and Addiction recovery, kindly review Mental Health Revolution and let me know if it resonates!  We are looking to run pilot program for this in Chicago, Boston and New York City.

Authentic Relating Training in New York City, Sept. 29 – Oct. 1

I wanted to let you all know that Jason Digges and Ryel Kestano are offering a 2 1/2 day Authentic Relating Training in Brooklyn the weekend of Sept. 29th.  It’s possible I will be there!  More details on the Facebook event page.  You can read about Jason and Ryel on their new website.

Book Updates Coming

I have received significant feedback on the first version on the book and feel that a major revision is necessary.  The problem is that there are two distinct modalities.  One is “formal circling” and the other I am calling “invisible circling”, which I equate to plain-vanilla A/R, meaning that it is something you can practice with anyone, with no prior agreement or shared context, by a simple assumption that they share the fundamental human desire to love and be loved, and attempting to respond to that.  Right now the book is written for the “invisible circling” modality, and I give advice there which might be wrong in a formal circle, in which one can take greater risks in communication.

So please bear with me as I muddle through this, and I thank people who have given me valuable feedback.

I am very excited to share the first complete version of my new book, re-titled Circling and Authentic Relating Practice Guide.  Download it here or click on image to the right.

Please understand the context of the offer: this is not targeted to the Circling community but to newcomers.  It is an educational and promo piece for the movement and will always be free on the web (print and Kindle version coming soon).  If you have an A/R related business, you are welcome to offer it on your site as an optin incentive.  Write to me about this.

As always I am open to corrections, feedback (positive or negative) and inspirational stories.

The new version is a significant improvement in all areas (and I am rather proud):

• Revised content everywhere
• Updated Resources section, History, Complementary Modalities and Advanced Practices sections
• New cover (I hope you like!)

New Mastermind groups forming

I am forming some free business mastermind groups this fall, following my desire to bring circling into the world and support A/R entrepreneurs.  I am finding the combination of a traditional business mastermind and Circling to be very powerful.  If you are interested in this, stay tuned for my next mail.

With love,

Marc Beneteau

Author, Intimacy Advocate, Circling groupie
http://CirclingGuide.com

I have some marvelous Circling and A/R resources for you today.

But first — the Circling Handbook is published and open to feedback and community contributions (just reply to this mail). Some chapters, such as the Advanced Practices and Complementary Modalities, are just stubs, but you can still read up on the relationship of Circling to integral theory, Non-Violent Communication, the Avalon community, somatic therapy modalities, and more. You can get the handbook as a free pdf, in print, or on Kindle.

1. Free course on building an A/R community, from Jordan Myska Allen of Circling Europe
A great short course, based on the experience of Circling Europe, and free! Sign-up here:
https://checkout.newkajabi.com/offers/9ivDWjFF/checkout

2. Sessions with Decker at the 2014 Circling Summit in Boulder
Q&A with Decker Part 1 and Part 2
These have completely blown me away. First session is a deep vulnerable share from Decker, telling why he quit being a community leader to get into private practice. Second session is a profound reflection on advanced Circling practices, along with some insightful comments about circling for business.
The first impact on me was to make me proud of being part of this movement, part of a movement in which a leader can show in such heart-breaking transparency and get as much support as he got. The second impact is a validation of what I have been feeling all along, and which I speak about in the book in the article “Beyond Circling: I have a dream”; which is that circling is way more powerful when there is a shared purpose beyond “connection intent”.

3. 2017 Relational Leadership Summit in Boulder
The dates for the 2017 Relational Leadership Summit have been announced, October 26-28, with an early-bird rate of $500. This is (arguably) the world’s foremost A/R conference. I am going to try and make it, although my funds are low as I am traveling all summer.

Enjoy!

Just to let you all know I am attending the Circling Europe 10-week online course which starts June 3:

http://circlingeurope.com/leadership-training/online-course/

The price is right and I am looking forward to the “download” from Sean, John and Jordan, co-founders of Circling Europe.  The course even includes some one-on-one sessions!

In case you are not aware, Circling Europe is one of four schools providing advanced Circling training (others are the Boulder Integral Center, the Bay area Circling Institute, and Authentic Revolution).  They have developed a particular approach to circling called “surrendered leadership”, which has been very successful in both Europe and North America, and which is the basis of the online circling platform Circle Anywhere, where I am also very active.

So maybe I will see you there!

In an earlier blog post (Transformational Tribes) I gave some of the reasons why I am so passionate (read: obsessed) with Circling.  To bottom-line that post, I have spent 30+ years looking for a community-based healing movement, a “transformational tribe”, that would meet the following criteria: power or effectiveness; integrity; free or low-cost; a global reach; and a compelling vision for a new society.  In those 30 years, nothing was able to meet all those criteria, until I stumbled across Circling.  Furthermore, it quickly became obvious to me that Authentic Relating practices were the “missing link” from virtually every ashram or meditation or yoga center, every social change movement, and almost every other human transformational system (with the exception of NVC, which I consider a close cousin but earlier generation of Authentic Relating).  Indeed: if you truly want to experience the depth of human fucked-up-ness, go into most any Ashram or yoga center and ask the teachers, confidentially, what they think of the organization.  I don’t mean that Yoga philosophy or Buddhism or anything else is wrong. I just mean that without authentic relating, they will forever be missing something.  At least that’s my opinion.

Now I want to continue that article with a sequel giving what I have learned in 8 months of circling 10 or 12 hours a week, first in Boulder and later on the online platforms, Circle Anywhere and Authentic World.  And talk about where I want to go with this.

Despite 30 years of my fascination and research into human development, emotional communication and the psychology of love, and intentional communities / eco-villages (that story told here), it still took me quite a while to even begin to “get” circling.  In the first few months I was like a bull in a china shop. I enjoyed almost every minute of it, and had some very powerful birthday circles in Boulder, but the people around me did not always enjoy me.  It took me quite some time, actually, to accurately frame how I was being (and declare myself publicly) as a “recovering asshole”.  Not always of course, as people did enjoy my vulnerability (this is my super-power), but despite best intentions that was often the truth.  It was hard to contain my own reactivity and I am not one to keep my opinions to myself.  Even so, I learned.  It took me a while, for example, to understand what some people considered my excessive tendency to story-telling.  Sometimes I would respond with humor, as in “look. I am Jewish and Italian, I like to talk”.

There were two inflection points in this exhilarating journey.  I say “exhilarating” because it was clear to me from the very beginning that I was on to something very powerful.

The first inflection point occurred about 4 months into it when I started inviting people I like into private groups held over Zoom.  The stated purposes for this was, first to introduce circling to my non-circling friends (who would be more willing, the argument went, to join free groups); second that the private group format provided more continuity and trust; and third I wanted to introduce more of what I called “developmental intent”, which I say more about below.

The first objective, of introducing my friends to circling, mostly failed.  I have only had success with two of my non-circling friends.  Granted, both of them took to it like fish-to-water and now more-or-less share my enthusiasm, so I am not a complete zero as a circling evangelist.  Still this is a bit disappointing.

The second and third objectives were very successful, however.  People loved the private groups, often had important experiences there and kept coming back.  Ultimately I realized something which I think is important.  Certainly there is something to be said for a group that has commitment, continuity and trust. But that alone does not explain the success of the private groups.  I mean, I can show up to most any Circle Anywhere group and feel love and trust towards people there as well, in addition to skilled leadership, something that every aspiring leader ought to relish, the revealing of one’s blind spots.  CA has become my new family-of-choice.  But what I realized was that the key factor in the transformative power of the private groups is that these groups extended circling into the realms of friendship, true transformational (or healing) partnerships, and in a few cases business collaboration.  This is what I mean by “developmental intent”.  “Relational meditation” is well and good, I have no objections.  But if we limit our circling to the formal groups, that to me misses the whole point and the greater power to be gained from the practice.

And this realization was the first inflection point in my circling “career”.  The fulfillment, as it were, of my original intention which was to bring circling into the world: into friendships, into families, into schools and business, into other types of transformational tribes — there is NO human community of any kind, in my opinion, that could not benefit from this.

And yet I have found that bringing Circling or A/R practices into the world to be very difficult.  My attempts to lead groups (or even individual sessions) to people who are not already trained in Circling have been hit-or-miss (as opposed to the private groups, almost all of which have been home runs).  Why is this?  Well, I can’t say for sure of course and this is certainly in part a reflection on my leadership.  And yet it is also logical that this would be true.  Because of the 4-5 primary skills of Circling, in my world (curiosity, empathy, appreciation, vulnerable sharing and “non-doing”), none of them is really easy, and in all cases the “social rules” are stacked up against us (“don’t stare at strangers” — oh really. Why?).  But the hardest of all is vulnerable sharing, which is something that most people are simply terrified of doing.  And it’s not just terror that stops them from doing it, it’s that they can’t even imagine the benefits that lie on the other side of it.  In truth, vulnerable sharing is a revolutionary act.  And for those people who don’t get it, or don’t want to do it, I can only model it.  In most cases they will respond very positively (vulnerability is very attractive), but in other cases they won’t.  And I have to be strong enough to endure that, what I call the “judgments of the world”.  Because when I show up in vulnerable sharing, I am also revealing my own neuroses.  Which, if you know me, are rather self-evident.  “Recovering asshole” is actually the least of them.  From my perspective, what chance do I have of becoming less neurotic if I have to hide?  I have always thought of vulnerability as a no-brainer, but I seem to be in the minority there.

Now let me give the second inflection point of my circling career.

It’s that Circling alone is not enough, and particularly in designated groups.  There are some limits of the developmental value of “relational meditation”.  There are fewer limits of bringing circling into friendship, transformational partnerships, intentional communities and  business, which is what I am most interested in, but there are limits even there.  Circling alone, I have found (and there are big conversations happening there on Facebook) is not that effective for healing trauma, for that one needs somatic (body-centered) therapy modalities like Somatic Experiencing, Hakomi, or Avalon.  It’s not very effective, in my experience, for addiction recovery either.  I was an active alcoholic for about two years, even as I was going through my circling adventures.  Nothing changed there until I rediscovered and adopted a kind of radical surrender that I had learned about in Yoga philosophy and especially in Buddhism, but had forgotten about.

Ultimately what I am saying is that I still think that circling is incredible.  But I am sobered-up.  Slightly.  I am no longer claiming it as the solution to anything-that-ails-you.  However, I will continue to claim that at least for me, and probably for a lot of other people as well, it is the first step to the solution of anything-that-ails-you.  Human beings thrive on connection, and without connection they perish. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.  I am also out to prove it.  I am out to prove that almost anyone will respond positively to the fundamental skills of circling (curiosity, empathy, appreciation, and vulnerable sharing), 90% of the time.  I want to go out into the world and practice, and watch people transform around me, as is already starting to happen (I hope), and at very minimum is happening with me.

I think of this as a very important conversation.  Can we, actually, expand Circling beyond the “relational meditation”, without killing it, or destroying the purity that may be the very reason for its success?  What are your thoughts on this?  Please post them to Circling Handbook facebook.

I found this article by Jon Rappoport:

The entrepreneur/visionary and his challenges

And especially this paragraph:

Entrepreneurship has a counter-intuitive core. The more the enterprise is built to the scale of the original dream, and the less it is compromised, the greater the chances of success

Which also mirrors one of my favorite quotes from Barbara Sher:

If you have a great dream, go for it. Because if you would settle for something less, for the sole reason that you think it will be easier to achieve, you will likely fail even at the lesser dream, simply because you will lack motivation

Whether all this is true or not, is hard to say. What it does bring up for me is a question I have been deeply considering ever since I started Circling, and one of the main topics that I wish to explore in my own groups, both public (Circle Anywhere) and private:

Connection intent vs. Developmental intent

Within circling, I believe that the tension between connection intent and developmental intent is inescapable.  Bryan Bayer describes this as the “Yin and the Yang” of circling. His idea (which is also mine) is that Yin (or connection intent) trumps Yang (developmental intent, or self-expression). Both are important, but in the case of a conflict, we go with connection intent.

This could also be framed as:

When and how to do we give to others, and when and how do we receive from them

Naturally this inescapable tension of human relationships will be mirrored in the deep relational practice of Circling.

My desire to form private groups is first to introduce my friends to the practice; and second to circle right up to the edge of developmental intent, but (ideally) not to cross it. It’s a work-in-progress, an ongoing research project.  The results have been very powerful for me, as I feel very well-received from the community.

The contrast between the the public groups and private groups has been interesting to me, as well.  The public groups are sometimes strangers (although not so much for me anymore), and may not have a universal shared context for circling. As such one has to be cautious about pushing the container. But on the private groups I feel a little frozen in a leadership role and dampening my aliveness.  So I am challenged in both types of groups.

I will continue to report here as the investigation unfolds…