This is the [updated] transcript of my context-setting for the February 2024 PRL (Practical Relational Leadership) Course.
It is also available as a podcast here
It includes:
- History of my work with the PRL’s
- The business opportunities of this work (including running your own PRL’s or participating in the Authentic Singles Project)
- The importance and relevance of context, including the very important question of the right amount of context to present in beginner groups
- The root context of Circling, and how circling distinguishes itself from most other transformational modalities
- Some comments on a recent workshop I attended with Miki Kashtan and NGL (Non-Violent Global Liberation)
Note: I re-recorded this audio from an updated transcript, as the audio was not clear and I subsequently added some things to the transcript. Enjoy 🙂
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First session – my presencing check-in
My presencing check-in — I’m a bit tired but really kind of on an incredible roll right now in a lot of different ways. Very powerful circle last night at Namaste, that’s my on-the- ground developmental group here, these are people that I have trained and have come into community together, and the results have been just absolutely extraordinary. I dealt with some very heavy anger directed at me last night by one of the participants and I dealt with it, I wouldn’t say perfectly but I dealt with it professionally. So that was kind of a milestone in my professional career actually, what happened last night and I’m still buzzing about it. So I am generally upleveling, and we’ll talk about that as we go.
What’s going to happen structure-wise in this PRL
So let me begin by describing what’s going to happen structure-wise today and in the next four sessions. And then I want to talk about the business opportunities here which is important. And then I will give the overall context for circling and also talk about the general problem of context-giving in circling, which is thorny.
So today I’m going to do the context setting. Ideally with context setting in your own groups, keep it to 15 minutes but I don’t promise I will do this today. 15 minutes would be great. After that we’re going to do three focus circles, three of you are going to get focus circles today. And then we’re going to do check- outs and that’ll be it for today.
The second session will do the same thing so three more of you will get Focus circles. The third and the fourth session will revert to the standard format for these groups which is we’ll do a full check-in, and we’ll do an aliveness round which you’ll learn about. The aliveness round is a negotiation of our time together. This is a co-created space, so everything we do together we negotiate. And then the third and fourth sessions, after the aliveness round we’ll do the main circle and then we’ll check out.
The business context for the PRL’s and related ventures
So let me give the business context because that’s important to know upfront.
This is the seventh PRL I’m offering in Mexico, three on the ground and now four online. I’ve been doing these things for years, but not professionally. When I arrived here in July of last year I ran three on-the-ground in two communities, Namaste Village and Villa Del Angel, which were very successful. In January of this year — last month –I ran three online groups, they all went well although with some challenges. One of them is actually gone into a self-led peer-led circle which is my goal. When people start to drop in really powerfully and deeply, they don’t want to stop. And they particularly want to continue with the same group of people, so one of the groups has gone into peer-led. Which fills me with joy, literally I’m feeling joy right now as I am sharing this with you all. This is what I want and that’s a potential for this group as well if you all want to go into peer-led at the end that’s cool by me. So that’s one possibility.
There will be a monthly meeting for all of the PRL graduates in which we’ll break out and circle each other as well, that’s another new thing that’s happening now. That happens in the first Tuesdays of the month at about this time, and I hope that as many of you as you can come to that group as well, that starts in March. I’m really wanting people to take this way of being or this way of circling out into the world and lead groups. There are income opportunities there for any of you who want to take that on. I may even be able to find clients for you by the way, you don’t have to do all the marketing for your groups. I have possibility of getting you clients if you want to learn this particular system or way of circling. I’m very curious whether the success that I am having here has to do with me or whether it has to do with the format. But the success I’m having is extraordinary. It’s particularly interesting in intentional Communities or people with pre-existing relationships, and for the formation of developmental groups and/or groups coming together into a shared business project.
There is a developmental intent here which is maybe stronger than what you will find in your average circling group. So we want to take this into the world. I’m wanting you guys to take this into the world. I’m involved with Mariel in a very exciting project called Conscious Singles. Hopefully we’re going to be launching Conscious Singles in Toronto in the next month or two. Conscious Singles is bringing authentic relating into sexuality. Sexuality is the #1 currently monetizable opportunity for authentic relating in the world. People are dying for this. I’m quite excited to say that. It may sounds a bit arrogant or inflated, but I am going to say it. People are starving for this.
So I’ll take an impact round on that in a moment. But let me first talk about the problem of context setting in teaching circling.
The problem of context-setting in beginner groups
I’m going to run this circle as a training circle for you all to actually start your own groups. So I’m going to give you the context that you will probably want to share with your new students even though some of this you may know already and may not be interesting to you, I’m just going to give it to you because you may need to repeat it to your students.
Now this is a problem because I very frequently get feedback in groups that I talk too much. So people are not necessarily interested in context particularly beginner groups. They just want to practice and I can totally understand that and I think they’re right in that some of the context that I have been giving in the past is not especially relevant to them. Such as the history of circling. They don’t care about the history of circling if they’re beginners. And actually I’m not going to talk about the history of circling because you’ll find all of that in relational power. So I don’t need to tell you the various lineages and how & where I fit into this or not, etc.
So I’m reducing the context setting to an absolute minimum, I’m calling it the minimal viable context, because of the feedback that I’m getting that I’m boring, essentially.
So does all this makes sense and we’ll do a reflection round on what I just said. And if there’s no reflections that’s cool too.
Now heads-up that I do like to have fun in circles and I make jokes. Some of my jokes are better than others. But I think you will appreciate the intention and feel free to do the same.
The root context of Circling
Now once again, so what I’m gonna do now is the context setting for this practice we call “circling”. What I would call a “circling introduction context setting (or leader format)”. Not necessarily for you to hear (since you already know this, presumably) but for your students to hear. You might find it interesting regardless. And then we’ll do the three focus circles.
Now, the focus circles is is the core of this work. It’s the core of this work. It’s a very powerful practice even with beginners. And a lot of people will be blown away by their first Focus circle. The more inexperienced the person is the more time they’re going to need in their focus circle. If you’re really good you can get deep transformation from a 15-minute Focus circle. You will all have about 20 minutes each, so make make good use of it. I will describe the context for Focus circling after this, and then it’ll stop the context sitting recording and we’ll just get to it.
I need to take three or four breaths here. I think I’m on point but I fear that I’m rushing.
So circling is a presence practice. The practice is extraordinarily simple in theory and infinitely complex and execution. The idea is that we return, again and again, to what’s actually happening in the present moment and we reveal that, we share that with truth and care. Truth and care are the two dimensions of love. I may talk about that another time. They are the masculine and feminine poles of love. You can read Relational Power Chapter 4 for that. This is theoretical context and not necessarily important to share, but it can be interesting. Theoretical context is not directly important to share, but its good to name it in case people want to go deeper.
Compare-and-contrast circling to other developmental modalities
So what’s important to realize is that this practice is extraordinarily rare.
In most schools, therapies, communities, philosophies, religions, spiritualities — when you go to a teaching you’re going to get a lecture / presentation. You may have a discussion around that lecture/ presentation, which is somewhat relational. At least you get to speak. And depending on the training you’re going to break out and have more conversations which is VERY relational, potentially.
However, it’s expected that the core of the teaching is presented in the lecture / presentation that you can simply listen to, take it in, absorb it, integrate it, model it and then go out into the world and do it and your life will be transformed.
And from my perspective this is simply comical. Or maybe a tragedy.
I mean the thing is, it does work somewhat and good content is interesting and maybe even inspiring. It will get you thinking, at best. But the deep work for me, and where the value is, is in what we call authentic relating which is basically investigating the nature of the relational space. Because the relational space includes all the ideas, teachings and perspectives. It’s experiential, it’s emergent, and it is extraordinarily powerful.
The only — and I mean the ONLY — way forward into any kind of deep developmental work, is to DO the work. Even the important teachers realize this; but to do the work in almost all these systems you have to buy into or invest in the advanced courses of the particular teacher or modality. That’s the only way you are going to get the support that you need to actually do the work.
In effect, what you are buying into in all these teachings is really the community, with the teachings being a kind of add-on, rather than the main dish. Except that it is typically not presented as such, which to some degree represents an unconsciousness or out-of-integrity. It’s presented as “here is the teaching that will save your life”, or maybe “here is the teaching that will bring you the love and success and inner peace that you want, and free you to give the love that you want to give”.
Even the Buddha realized this (the importance of community) in his concept of the “sangha”, or the community of practice. However, the Buddha created his system before Authentic Relating existed.
I think that the model and ideas of Buddhism are sound. However, Buddhist and tantric communities worldwide have existed for two and a half millenia without the benefit of AR. Without AR as a foundational context for community (whether this context be named or just lived out), a community tends to drift sideways, at best. And more often than not, it turns into a total shit-show. These communities tend to become perfect platforms and breeding grounds for narcissistic leaders. This happens less in Buddhism than in some other places. I actually don’t know the reason for that. Maybe something in Buddhism that is inherently democratic, as in “the community is the Buddha”. The Buddhist concept of “sangha” mirrors this idea.
Anyway. That’s a longer story, I call this the problem of “cult psychology”. We’ll get to that later.
So, what is Circling, really?
Let’s return to circling for now.
In circling the present moment trumps everything. But what’s interesting is that it’s not exclusive of other ways of being and other ways of relating including lecture/presentation, or sharing perspectives, sharing developmental models or what I call “coaching”.
Here is the “coaching distinction”: Coaching is not circling. Coaching is sharing perspectives with another person with the desire to improve their lives or give them something that will be useful to them. Coaching is something like “fixing”, but it’s not really fixing because it’s potentially quite useful. But it has to be approached with great caution in circling because it’s not circling. It’s sharing your perspectives with someone in the hope that they will be useful for them; whereas circling is just revealing your present moment experience with another person.
The important point here is that circling is not exclusive of coaching. Circling is not exclusive of any important aspects of human experience and human communication. Its not exclusive of sharing ideas, perspectives, plans, hopes, dreams, vision etc. There is just the overarching context in circling that when we share, we reveal what I call the “context” for the share, which is the thoughts and feelings that are driving that behavior or that communication. That “context” may be: “I have a desire to coach you. Will you take a coaching direction (or suggestion)”
Case study: Miki Kashtan and the NGL movement (Non-Violent Global Liberation)
I could stop there but just let me give an example, at the risk of oversharing.
So I was in a group with Miki Kashtan last week. She has a framework called NGL for Non-Violent Global Liberation that’s of great interest to me. It’s an extension of NVC into the area of global transformation and social justice. And it was sort of typical of these teachings that I’m talking about. There were maybe 20 or 30 people on the call.
Miki would give a little piece of content — very good content, she’s absolutely brilliant — and then she would take feedback from the participants that were essentially her Focus circling that participant.
And there was a pattern that emerged. Miki would talk for a bit. Someone would chime in. Miki would Focus circle the participant. The participant would start to cry. And then she would give another piece of content or a reflection to the participant. The next participant would come in and would start to cry. And so on. This was the pattern.
And that was more than a bit frustrating to me because in a group of 20 or 30 you can’t really drop into the deep group connection spaces that I’m talking about. You can only do what Miki is doing which is, you can lecture/present and then Focus circle the participants. This is very different from what we’re doing.
So the [unspoken] context of Miki is: okay this is her show. She’s going to teach and she’s going to do Focus circles but we’re not going to talk about the context here.
Now I could have have spoken up and said: hey Miki. Here’s what I’m getting. This is your show. You’re giving content and you’re focus circling the participants, they start to cry and then we move on. But you know what, I am not sure that I want to cry. I’m not sure how I fit into this and I’m not sure that I want to perform for you all. But that’s a whole other story and take us into my stuff. I really don’t know if my stuff is relevant here or would be welcome. I THINK that it might be, but I am really not sure. I am an Authentic Relating fanatic and for me, anything LESS than Authentic Relating tends to be a bit boring. I am embarrassed to say this as it probably reflects my own arrogance and self-importance. I am also afraid that you are going to give me negative feedback or shut me down. I mean, this is your show. You can and should run it however you think is best.
I COULD have said that, but I didn’t want to do it because I was one of 30 and I was a newcomer and I didn’t want to take the attention onto myself for an intervention that may or may not have been useful. I was also scared. Next time, however, I might.
[Michael says] I am wondering if Miki would make you cry.
[My reply] Inshallah, God willing. Crying is a good thing. Crying is beautiful I love crying
Okay good. I don’t think I have anything more to say at the moment.
Let’s do an impact round on all this.
Second Session [Coming soon]:
I have some shame as well… some fear about being just a sorry excuse for an AR leader I have some fears about the technology and that I’m occasionally triggered by the technology…
I have some desire to reassure you all that this is exactly what we’re supposed to be doing here and it doesn’t always go in a linear way. I will have a bit more to say about that later…
I’m appreciating the desire for structure, this is very strong in me. Structure, understanding, getting on the same page in terms of what we’re doing, that’s agreeing to a structure or model for this proces. Clarity.
I feel like we’re on the same page here and if I veer off slightly or there’s some technology glitch you guys are going to bring me back which is really a gift, right
So the floor is open right now. Let’s just topic circle around that for a moment. Let’s make sure everyone has said what they needed to say about what we’re doing here.
[…]
Now once again I’m increasing joy as I’m hearing you, because maintaining the yin / yang balance in circles is the essence of good circling and it’s a very high game.
The Yang is keeping the action moving forward, while the yin is being present to “what is”. And this inevitably creates internal tension in me and in my students. It’s not a problem that has an easy solution. It’s a problem whose solution emerges in the we-space, in the conversation that we’re having.
I do not consider myself at all the world’s best circler. Many people are much better than me and they’re particularly good at holding the Yin space. There’s something about this particular style of circling that’s very Yang and to the extent that people who have experienced circling Europe will say, “Marco this is not circling”, because it’s so different from the Circling Europe practice. But there is something very powerful in this format I see it,
on the streets, in the groups that I run. So I’m going with it. There’s a very strong developmental intent. And I will own as well that I like my circling harder and faster than most people. And this is triggering to some people. But most of the time it works quite well. And I’m constantly checking myself am I coming on too strong am I giving too much structure am I giving too much Direction versus tuning into what’s actually present and I don’t have the answer but today I’m good. You’re all really showing up. You all enjoy the structure you all seem to want to teach circling this or something different
so I’m good it’s it’s good that we’re exploring this in the moment
it’s a very particular brand of circling and you kind of like it or hate it kind of thing but mostly people like it so I keep on doing what I’m doing.
Something else. It has to do with making mistakes. We want to push our edges of communication and awareness up the point that we take risks. Up to the point where you’re close to making a mistake. How assertive can I be or how Accommodating can I be. Those are the those are the two edges. How much do I tune in to other people, possibly at the cost of some element of me that’s that’s upset or not present or whatever. And how much do I assert needs, desires,
Reflections. That’s the yin and the yang of circling. We want to push those edges and the value is when we realize we’ve pushed too far. So in the larger sense there are no mistakes because every mistake we grow from. And it’s not something that you can read a book and do.
I appreciate Catherine your perspective on this this, I think you’re right on. That perspective felt right on to me.
Now it’s different with beginners versus experienced people. It is quite different with experienced people but it works well with beginners as well. Provided there be one or two people in the room who get it, it works well even with beginners. Which is kind of miraculous from my perspective. So we’ll see how it goes between us, Mariel, when we start leading groups. I think it’s going to be fun!
Something else… I mean I think I’ve already said it. It’s the tension between wanting to move the action forward and intention to vulnerably share what’s happening. Particularly when there’s my shame involved. Like I’m just a sorry excuse for an AR leader other people are so much better than me Etc. That’s that’s where it gets difficult for me. And there were some moments today that were kind of difficult with me, but by and large I feel we navigated This Together very well I think.
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