“The true test of your spiritual success is the happiness of the people around you” – Swami Rudrananda (Rudi)
Table of Contents
- Preface: My Agenda
- My Story
- How to Use this book
- Part 1: Circling
- Chapter 1: First Orientation to Circling (this page)
- Chapter 2: NVC and Circling; how they complement each other
- Chapter 3: The Minimum Viable Circle
Chapter 1: First Orientation to Circling
Can you learn Circling from a book?
No, you cannot learn Circling from a book. Circling, like love, can’t be taught in a book. The successful practice of Circling is likely to be way more enjoyable and more growthful than reading about it. Even so, a book can provide a context (of shared understanding, shared values) from which a powerful conversation is more likely to emerge.
So where to begin? We begin, of course, with the vulnerable sharing of our confusion about what Circling is and how to do it.
Often in a circle with beginners I hear some variation of this statement: “I like what’s going on here but I am not quite sure what is acceptable here, what is Okay for me to do or say.” When I hear this, I usually get happy, for two reasons. First because this expression is a significant reveal (an aspect of leading with vulnerability, which we will discuss more later), and as such opens up the possibility of a rich inquiry for the individual and for the group. And the second reason I get happy on hearing this, is because it is a profound question that can’t be properly answered in a sound-bite. Indeed, it is a question that lies at the very heart of creating deep, transformational human relationships, and as such is also at the core of the Circling inquiry: When and how do we give to others; when and how do we receive from them; and when and how do we give to ourselves? What is really going on here between us?
This book is (among other things) an attempt to answer that question, the question that is at the heart of deep human connection; which in turn relates to the nature of love, the meaning of suffering, and the human journey to wholeness. Ultimately, that is the Circling inquiry.
Circling in a nutshell: the goal of Circling
Circling is a practice of un-withheld present-moment connection to self and others. You could also call it “presence-based relating” or “presence-based communication”, because we return, again and again, to what is happening in the present moment. We investigate our own and others’ experience of being together, staying in connection to ourselves while simultaneously trying to understand what it’s like to be in another person’s skin. It’s the attempt to see people for who they really are, “getting their world”, and giving and receiving the kind of attention that changes lives and which allows new possibilities to emerge.
An alternative formulation would say that Circling is about discovering “truth”, or about bringing more self-awareness and discernment into the experience of life, in order to cultivate deeper connection with oneself and others. To note here (and we will return to this topic) that “cultivating connection” may involve the noticing and reporting of lack-of-connection.
As such, anything you say or do in a Circling group, or anything you withhold in a Circling group, ought to successfully pass this test: is this intervention (or conscious decision to NOT intervene) serving connection? Is it serving truth, is it serving the group, is it creating more aliveness in me or others?
Of course, we frequently make mistakes in judgment about whether a particular intervention and self-expression (or else a failure to express) is serving truth or connection. We may be silent when we should have spoken, or say the wrong thing, or say the right thing but poorly; or we can’t come up with anything to say at all, we are so completely befuddled, or full of anger, grief or shame. And yet, we seem to be compelled to keep on trying to communicate and to connect. And hopefully, by allowing ourselves to make these mistakes and then witnessing the impact, we get better at it.
This is the core Circling practice, in my understanding of it. If you have already experienced this degree of connection and of truth-telling (and most of us have, even briefly), then you know what to do, more or less, and you can read the rest of this book with a desire to refine and sharpen your current level of self-awareness and discrimination around this very fundamental question: am I, in this moment, serving truth and connection, or am I doing the opposite (hiding, lying and creating distance)? Who am I being right now, and why?
Two more distinctions here that might be helpful.
The first distinction is to acknowledge that while all aspects of our humanity are important – our beliefs and ideas, plans, “stories”, needs and desires, etc. – the Circling practice is unique in that it prioritizes connection and truth-telling above all else. It does not specifically exclude ideas, plans and stories; it only requests that, when we share stories and ideas, we filter that sharing from the perspective: am I serving connection here?
In chapter 4 I say more about the sharing of ideas, stories, advice-giving and coaching within Circling. None of these types of sharing are excluded in Circling. We ask only that you use them with discernment. Self-awareness and other-awareness.
And the second distinction which can be helpful, is this: Circling exposes the meta-conversation – the thoughts and emotions that all of us have in ordinary human interactions, but which we rarely speak, or speak fully. This is what makes the practice so powerful: because once the in-the-moment emotional truths are being voiced and heard, it becomes possible to take the conversation to a new level, often a level of deep pleasure in which everyone’s needs are met, even when they initially seemed diverging. We have all experienced an event such as this. People of a more religious orientation may view this type of event as a miracle, a gift of Spirit. People of a more integral or agnostic mindset might call this “an alethea moment.” But regardless of our beliefs, it tends to be a very joyful event.
Circling can be viewed as a relational art form of living from a place where “miracles” happen more frequently.
It speaks somewhat to the dysfunction of our culture, that a practice as simple as Circling (at least in theory) inspires confusion and terror in many people who engage initially. Circling done well can be either terrifying, intensely pleasurable, or both.
The big challenge of Circling is that it is simple in theory but infinitely complex in execution. Very much like love, as any parent can tell you.
Logistics of Circling
When circlers first convene in a group, either in person or via webconference, they are often too numerous for a single circle. In this case they sometimes form breakout groups of the “optimal” size, which is 4 to 6 people.
There are two common types of circles: Focus circles (also called “birthday circles”) in which one individual is the focus of attention of the group for a set period of time (although with the inclusion of reveals and impacts from other participants), and Flow circles (also called Organic circles) in which the attention flows back and forth between all participants. Depending on the particular “flavor” of Circling, there will be one or two designated leaders, and a fee which is usually quite modest. There is also a variation of an organic circle called a Surrendered Leadership circle, which is a specific type of flow circle which we will talk more about in Part II. To note however that “surrender”, sometimes known as “welcome everything” is integral to the practice in all schools of Circling.
While Part I of this book is intended as an introduction to the participant role (or “circlee”), rather than the leader role, it is important to say here that everyone in a circle is a “leader.” You “lead” in a circle by providing presence, vulnerability and empathy. This is, indeed, at the very core of the power and magic of the modality, that in a circle one can lead from any position; and thus the collaborative power of the group is multiplied.Why Circle?
What are the benefits of Circling, why engage in the practice? There are several possible motivations, all of which play off each other.
- Circling is fun!
The experience of being seen and accepted for who we really are, and the sense that we are connected to other human beings and part of a larger whole, is one of the most satisfying of all human experiences. Almost everybody knows how pleasurable this experience can be, and yet most of us move along this path of connecting deeply with others in a haphazard way, achieving success only by accident, as it were.
Unlike most “ordinary” human interactions, such as the kind of conversations that happen in bars, around the water-cooler at work, at church, or even in our families, Circling carries an explicit intent to deeper connection. We go into Circling with the shared desire to “know and be known” in all our humanity, whether our inner experience be glorious or unbearably painful.
Through this agreement to join with others, for a pre-set time, in a shared purpose that includes revealing our truth, Circling tends to cut through the bullshit and the games that we all play, and move us fast into a deeper level of sharing.
- Circling is developmental
Ultimately, Circling is a training in human relationships and in self-love. Self-love, self-acceptance and the quality of our human connections are perhaps the most important predictors of happiness, while gaining skill in human relationships is probably the most impactful thing we can do to become more effective in both our personal life and in business. Circling helps us to expand our inner and outer worlds, increase our wisdom and discernment, and become happier, more loving and more effective human beings.
An alternative way of saying this is that Circling helps us to uncover our relational blind spots. We all have patterns, ways of being, unhealed hurts and wounds that may push people away and block an experience of deeper intimacy, or deeper friendship and collaboration. When we get immediate feedback from people about how we occur to them, and especially when that feedback is coming from a place of their wanting to connect with us and get our world, those wounded places become sharper and more clearly defined. From there, our “hurt zones” tend to soften and change into something beautiful, something holy. After being seen in this way, we are often shocked and amazed that we did not get this earlier, realizing that the real situation, the emotional truths and unconscious beliefs underlying our behavior, were obvious to everyone except ourselves. This is the gift of relatedness, of being able to “see ourselves through the eyes of others.” What’s more, by letting people into our lives and by allowing them to impact us in a positive way, even when they tell us things that might be initially painful, we often help to heal them too.
- Circling is a global movement for creating a better society
I believe, along with many others, that Circling and Authentic Relating are truly revolutionary practices which, if they were more widely used, would change human culture and alter the course of human history. By uniting the personal and the political, Circling and Authentic Relating sit at the leading edge of human evolution and human transformational technologies – perhaps even more so than any other modern modality. It’s also very affordable.
The problem of defining and writing about Circling
Circling has been described as “equal parts art form, meditation, and group conversation.” But the truth of the matter is that no one has yet come up with a definition that is fully satisfactory or that everyone can agree on. Even among the 3 “major lineage” schools of Circling, there is controversy about whether what some of them are doing accurately represents the “original” form of Circling, as it was created by Guy Sengstock and Jerry Candelaria. Some people in the movement think that what I am doing is not Circling.
The ultimate cause of these disagreements is that Circling is multi-dimensional (what we call an “integral emergent practice”), and so any attempt to define it will by necessity be limiting. For instance: in this book I am presenting a relationship and communication model that I am calling “Circling.” This model is based on what has worked for me after about 2000 hours of Circling practice, which includes successful leadership of my own groups. Most circlers will agree that what I am presenting here covers some important dimensions of Circling. But Circling is, at most, 50% a relationship model. It would be more accurate to call Circling a presence practice, sometimes known as “we-space”, “unified field”, or even Transpersonal consciousness.
It is impossible to convey the felt-experience of “we-space” in a book. It is an experience which is informally described by circlers as “dropping in”, as in dropping into connection. It is a kind of softening of boundaries, of surrendering into a larger whole, a sense of completion and of perfection of the present moment. It is a non-verbal experience and as such it can happen without any words being spoken. It is an experience that is quite “contagious”: once a critical mass of people in a group “drops in” it is quite probable that everyone will feel it. It can be a very pleasurable and calming experience, but it can also be painful, poignant, sad, bitter-sweet. It cannot be created through an act of will, or even the best communication. But when it happens, it tends to be very transformational.
Circling, Authentic Relating, and NVC
In this book, I am defining “Circling” as the formal practice of Authentic Relating within a group, and “Authentic Relating” as the informal practice, which I call “Authentic Relating in the Wild“. You can practice Authentic Relating at any time with another person, or else in a group while in a bar, a restaurant or waiting in line for a movie, and without communicating your intentions. You can practice Authentic Relating seamlessly wherever you show up. Indeed, once you get good at it you will probably want to do it all (or most) of the time. Even if you are not consciously or deliberately practicing, it will probably inform and fundamentally change the nature of your relationships and how you show up for people.
There are a few ways of doing this.
The first option is to say nothing explicitly, simply try to increase the quality of your listening and emotional presence with someone, and/or ask them personal questions, giving free reign to your curiosity. Make jokes with people, smile at them, give compliments. Let them know that you see them and are interested in them, engage them any way you can which is fun for you. Alternatively, just double your appreciations and your positive impact statements, that will also do the job. If you get a smile in return, or else they open up and start sharing with you, you are a winner. You are practicing relational leadership effectively.
Another option, maybe a better one especially in a group, would be to say something like “I would like to play a game, who is in?” and then tell them the game that you want to try. There are a large number of Authentic Relating Games in Sara Ness’s Games Manual, which you can find on www.authrev.com and also on Amazon. Or you can make up your own games. My favorite is called “the hot-seat game”. You can suggest to your friends to play hot-seats or any other AR game. The hot-seat game is especially fun and suitable to play at someone’s birthday party (i.e. put them on the hot-seat and explain the rules to the crowd).
Moving Forward
Now that you understand the fundamental difference between Circling (Authentic Relating with shared context) and Authentic Relating (Circling without shared context), we move on to another very important topic: Non-Violent Communication. NVC is a precursor of Authentic Relating. I will do a case-study comparing NVC with Authentic Relating. You can’t circle effectively if you don’t understand NVC, in particular what we call “the language of feelings and needs”.
Continue reading: Chapter 2: NVC and Circling; how they complement each other
